Even when the dark comes crashing through…

Week 9, it is most certainly one of the most stressful times ever. Teachers are loaded to the max, students are being assessed on everything at once and all of this boils, curdles and spills into the creases and crevasses of work, family, friends and everything in between.

 

Today is meant to be RUOK day and if someone asked me right now if I was OK my true answer would be no. I’m not bloody okay.

  • Work is stressful, I have more work to do then I have time.
  • This bloody boot will be the death of me, all I want to do is suit up and #hitabitch at football
  • I’m in a constant state of anxiety and second guessing myself

 

Yeah, that’s right. I’m in a constant state of anxiety. I’ve been visiting the local headspace for a few months now and receiving Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) for what we think is at the very least social anxiety.

Did I ever think I’d have anxiety? Looking back on my childhood, I’ve always been loud, outgoing and full of life. It turns out that sometimes that doesn’t last and it shouldn’t be such hassle to have to ask for help, but sometimes you are too proud to ask. I’m very lucky to have had a moment of clarity that urged me to go to the doctors and get a mental health plan. Have I told my family? No. I never wanted to burden them with it…and that’s just the thing isn’t it? Mental Health and being not okay sucks so much so why wouldn’t we share!? So the whole idea of asking someone if they are okay is so so so fragile. Please don’t ask unless you want to know the truth. Personally the truth is I’m really not okay but I know in the end I will be okay – that’s the main part.

 

So you’re probably wondering that social anxiety just means I hate being in social situations and I’m introverted. Turns out I by coincidence that I am introverted however it has nothing to do with it. Imagine just thinking no one likes you, that everyone has an alternate motive, that sometimes you just aren’t enough even by just doing what you’re meant to be doing. That’s just some of the thoughts I have daily about stupid insignificant situations like, not holding the door for someone…imagine what’s going through my mind when I might have done something wrong but I had actually no idea it could have been wrong? Yeah -that’s it… it’s horrible.

 

So, on RUOK day, take the time to ask someone if they are okay, but also take the time to stocktake your own emotions – especially if you are involved in the education system or someone close to you is.

 

Love,

 

Amanda.

One thought on “Even when the dark comes crashing through…

  1. Krystal Gagen-Spriggs says:

    Such an honest and brave post, Amanda. I’m so proud of you for what you’ve achieved and how far you’ve come (even if it doesn’t feel like it). I’m honoured to be your colleague and friend. Onwards and upwards together!

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